Ephemera * Etherea

The English Patient

(I love a good movie about obsession and obsessive love. Deep passionate, crazy. And why does Ralph Fiennes always seem to be in them?)

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Him: - Why were you holding his collar?

Her: - What?
Him: ''What''? That boy. That little boy.

Him: You were holding his collar. You were gripping his collar. What for?
Him: Hmm? ls he next?
Him: Are you going to drag him into your little room? Where is it? ls this it?

Her: - Don't do this.

Him: - l've watched you.
Him: l've watched you at garden parties, on verandss, at the races.

Him: - How can you... stand there?

Her: - Please.

Him: How can you ever smile as if your life hadn't capsized?

Her: You know why?

Him: Dance with me.
Her: No.

Him: Dance with me.
Him: l want to touch you.

Him: l want the things which are mine which belong to me.

Her: Do you think you're the only one who feels anything?
Her: ls that what you think?                   

Her: Why don't you go?

Logs…

can be a form of self-torment…

Am I trying to torment myself…?

No…

But I read the logs…

and remember…

Maybe I just have a process…

and this is part of it…

To go over what was…

I’ve done it with others…

First meeting… first laughs… first passions… slow realization that it’s something more… right down to the end…

Oh yes… I can be real maudlin.

Updates in the land of Second Life

So I’m in at work now, First Life, getting some serious things done.

And number one on that list is updates on my Second Life world.

My priorities are spot on. :-)

A recap is in order. When I’m upset, I don’t necessarily give all the details or even post here. So I’m all cool and calm today. Why not? Time for updates.

So boom boom boom, here we go.

• May: Got together with an acquaintance and became more than just acquaintances. It was lovely to be with him. And calming. His actions and some points of view reminded me horribly of the only person I’ve ever been partnered to seriously on SL. As I fell for him, and I was falling even as I tried to stop, I needed more and more assurance that things would be different with him. I was scared and I couldn’t shake it in a short period of time. Couldn’t just let go as I had with my ex. Something was done by him that hurt me and made that tenuous trust vanish for a moment. I pushed him away so hard, I’m sure he got whiplash. I came back later and apologized if I hurt him, explained my actions and asked that we might try again. His response was that he wanted us to be “really good friends.” My response was that I did not. And that is where we stand. Neither one of us will be what the other wants I suppose. And my response is increasingly not a pleasant one when he tries to be chit-chatty and ‘friendly.’ I won’t deny my feelings and I won’t push it on him, but I will no more allow him to push what he would like our relationship to be upon me either.

• June: I bought my own parcel of land and canceled my useless Second Life premium membership. I love my home. It’s beautiful even before I started adding things and carving it into the image I want. This is my home base now. A retreat and sanctuary when things get rough elsewhere in SL.

• June: I quit Fallen Angels BDSM Club. After 9-10 months of being there. Why? A staff meeting in which it was unanimously agreed to either by silence or vocal agreement, that Switches would be blocked from attending Dominant Discussion groups and Submissive Discussion groups. For the safety of other patrons who were not Switches. I cannot work in a place that professes to be a safe environment for learning and sharing as BDSM practitioners and newbies, yet such a heinous prejudice is allowed to exist there. The disconnect from reality and how people legitimately practice BDSM offline have become so large at Fallen that I couldn’t vouch for the safety of anyone going there and learning anything at this point. The decline has deeply saddened me but all things have an ending. Time for change.

• June/July: I decided to put myself out there and add the groups that match certain kinks, fetishes, proclivities of mine. I also added a bunch of new BDSM clubs to visit and have fun at. Met some weirdos and met some nice people lol. I met one guy who said he was a Daddy Dom. And he did make me feel like a precious little girl in the short bits of time we did spend together.  He wanted to move with lightning speed, wanting offline information and asked to partner within days of knowing each other, speaking of coming to see me. I of course I slowed things down. Later, it became apparent he didn’t know how to divide his time between his SL alts in order to have a stable relationship going days without communicating with me. And as with others on SL, it was largely about him being in love with me a.k.a. getting hard and cumming. So easily remedied. I took him off my home’s security and de-friended both alts. Done. I have very little patience for nonsense. Learned too many lessons before. Given enough time, fake people are not able to hold up their pretense. And this guy is sooooo fake. Two week fling done. Hope other little girls don’t fall for it. But then hey I’m still in the group and can forewarn when I like.

• June - July: I started exploring and  roleplaying Gor. One day while wondering through the Gor Hub with a newcomer to SL (but a veteran to Gor RP) I was IMed but a blond Viking like male who was looking for a “bondmaid.” I had no clue what that was but the more we talked the more I felt somewhat drawn to him. He gave me a notecard to read. We friended but due to me not getting back to him within a few days of meeting, he defriended. Oh well. Proof that it wasn’t worth it.

• Because of the lover I had in May (see above) my somewhat dormant interest in Torvaldsland and Gor was fired up intensely. I had a thought we might enter that realm together on occasion. The drive to please him had been great in so many ways. So now I am a bondmaid in training at Ironhall in Tor’Mark Fell. And it’s fun! I still have to read Marauders of Gor and Explorers of Gor to get a better feel of the land this roleplay emulates, as well as fully flesh out my character’s background story. So far I’ve set a task for myself of filling the Bakery’s ingredient stores and roping in other new bondmaids so we can learn and explore together. The entire region uses NLS, Nutri Life System, which is kick ass and adds realism and an extra bit to roleplay around. Out of milk and sa tarna? Then let’s go out and collect some for the Bakery and see what happens along the way. Anyhoo, ramble ramble, I am enjoying myself there.

• July: I found out that a dear friend of mine had an affair with another dear friend of mine. The Dominant of one of these friends, another friend, was also completely unaware. It all came to a head recently, exposed. One of these dear friends has proven himself to be a heel to the degree of infinity. I am so deeply disappointed in him. He defriended me and left my group. And I have left his groups. Chapter closed there. I am sending positive vibes and hoping deeply that my other dear friend and her Dominant will work things out and be together and happy.

And the SL drama wheel goes round and round.

At the moment, I am single in SL and exploring my own interests. I am not beholden to anyone but myself at this moment. My two ponies have not been online in quite some time as well.

Will love ever come? That Dominant that I need?

I do not know. But I’m not hunting it.

I will simply live and explore.

My heart is free.