Now there are small buds on the cherry blossom tree which lay barren for quite some time. Will they bloom? I do not know yet.
There was a lovely birthday party for my offline boyfriend on SL today, thrown by Daddy and the family. It made me feel really good and my BF had a wonderful time too. The fact that something that matters so incredibly much to me was focused on by him and all the family made me feel as though I really did matter to Daddy, all of me including those I love.
The week in review…
I started to write several times and created drafts for topics I wanted to write about. But every day this week, I was with the family and there was some new development for me within the family. I didn’t have the time to concentrate to write.
I also wrote a full post just before the last weekend but disliked it so never posted it. After I finish writing this, I will go through these and erase a bunch for good and see what I may continue to write at another time.
I was welcomed into the family on November 12th. As time went along, we passed a few bumps and then I began to feel comfortable. Even during the bumps I knew I cared for Daddy. After the bumps that did not change. I grew to know others within the family more deeply. I shared my thoughts and feelings within the family classes/discussions and outside. I grew a little closer and a little more closer.
At the start of the weekend, in a conversation with Mousie, Emi and Daddy, I was confronted in a manner of speaking about my actions and my feelings. Daddy and Mousie felt that my actions showed I cared for the family and was dedicated to it. They said that I had the opportunity to be elsewhere and had taken that opportunity less and less and stayed close to the family. Yet it seemed I held back my feelings, afraid. Afraid to love what I loved, fully. Afraid even to admit to myself that I loved. Wholeheartedly.
A previous question came to mind from the weekend. Was I afraid to fall in love with Daddy?
This conversation made me uncomfortable. I felt a spotlight was shone on something I didn’t want lit up.
I wanted to be able to follow what felt right but yet… not fall completely into that feeling. If I fell, how would I stand again should it vanish.
I attempted perhaps in a way to partition my mind.
To partition myself.
For my left hand not to know what my right hand was doing.
Daddy felt the disconnect and wanted me to connect it. Use my wholeheart. He felt doing anything less could jeopardize the chances a new relationship, a new Dominant who loved me (Daddy), would have at giving me the things I needed.
I froze that night but we talked more of it the next day.
I decided to acknowledge that I was falling in love, to acknowledge that I wanted to be his as well as part of the family and to start to trust first and not fear first as I had been doing.
It was a tearful conversation.
I am very self-conscious that I cry easily and that I am a very sensitive person. I try to hide it and protect myself because who else would if not me?
As soon as I made this decision, it felt as though something had burst loose inside of me.
Daddy was on my mind for the entire day. That alone scared me. But I couldn’t back off of what I promised I would do. He said he would always be there for me and would wait for me… yet I would not hurt him as I have been hurt waiting for others I loved.
Arriving at work in First Life, it turned out there was a myriad of tech issues and I couldnt’t get online to talk to the family. To talk to Daddy.
So I texted him.
I tried to get ahold of myself to be honest. The concept that Daddy would be home when I got there crossed my mind but I couldn’t make it stay. I needed to talk to him now.
It was a big deal to do this.
And so the day went along and I was excited to go home.
Whatever had burst inside was causing a flood that swelled and swelled.
When I got in, I was in a bright mood. But that slowly changed as the night went on.
I had all these questions and feelings and thoughts built that I needed to share but I couldn’t. Others needed Daddy too. I had decided to reconcile the parts of me into a whole that cared and would move forward within this relationship with eyes open and nothing held back. But this left me awash with stuff. Overwhelmed. I needed him.
But fears of being thought as any of the “bad ones” that had been gotten rid of filled me. I couldn’t say “Daddy I need you.” I tried in a way to express what I felt but I don’t think I was clear enough for Daddy to understand how urgent this felt until by the end of the night I was in tears and felt miserable and didn’t know what to do.
He seemed to sense something was up with me and we talked. Then later I talked to Mousie. By both I was reassured that they didn’t think I was like any of those in the past and that I needed to speak when I had needs or issues.
I hope I will be able to in the future. I will try. It is not the easiest.
Afterwards I felt rather at peace with the family. The next day, I stayed home and something of a transformation occurred with my avatar. That which is me on Second Life. I became something more of what I wished to be and perhaps something more of who I really am, what I used to be and lost. The thorns and briar and roses were removed and replaced with teddy bears. “I am loved.” And “Daddy’s Lil Girl.” My AO was replaced with something more of how I would actually act when in such a situation that makes me feel shy and careful.
I also did something in my First Life that I had not been able to do. I do not know if there is a connection.
Then Friday came and I was given my name. Sakura. Daddy’s Sakura. Cherry blossom because I am his dark chocolate cherry.
I had no intention at the start that my name should ever be changed. I am me and I have managed to maintain most of that even through rips and shatters and splinters.
But in his arms, in his mind and heart, I begin to open for him as he wishes for me to. In my mind and heart, I wish to give him things, give of myself to him.
It is a yearning that I am becoming helpless to fight against. I am held by the promise that I will trust and believe in him and his word of what he will be for me. That he will be there. My Daddy. And so it happens and it must because I am not allowed to stop it or peddle back. Show truth, show my wholeheart. It is not easy at times, and at other times it is all too easy. It scares me even as it feels good. That is the truth.
I am marked in some ways already by him. These marks are there in pixels but also in my mind and my heart. I belong to him offline as well as online. First Life and Second Life.
This has been a wonderful week. Peaceful for most of it and then these warm feelings when I am with my Daddy.
I worry of needing him too much. But I already need him and want him. I want to be his baby girl. I want to be his. But I am worried that it may be too much… somehow… and that still I shouldn’t indulge completely in the need for his arms around me, affection, notice, the comfort of his voice when I need it.
And that is the week in review.