Ephemera * Etherea

Dominance and Irresponsibility

I have gotten to the point of frustration that I fall into tears.

It hurts.

We are the ones that are to be protected and directed by him. It is not the other way around.

It isn’t happening. No guidance. No direction. No interest. No action. Only words and no change in behavior.

I don’t know how to say again what I need when I’ve said it so many times before and it’s fallen on deaf ears. As if it wasn’t important.

Perhaps, it is a matter of “illusion of depth,” as someone said in one bdsm discussion on SL.

A Dominant is someone who cares for their submissive and takes that responsibility seriously.

A Dominant puts the required time and effort that it takes if they truly want to be another person’s guide, guard and director, if they truly want to own that person. If this cannot be done, this person should not have a submissive.

In other words, if your pets always die because you can’t be bothered to water, feed, walk and get them vaccinated, you shouldn’t have pets.

A Dominant provides dependability, consistency and stability to their submissive, not chaos and erratic behavior. Not unsteadiness. Not broken promises.

A Dominant creates order, not chaos.

A Dominant does what is needed, makes decisions and does not run from the responsibilities he has chosen.

A Dominant does not take on more responsibility than they can handle and ignore the problems that arise because of neglect.

A Dominant does not seek out escapist distractions to the detriment of the submissives they chose to be responsible for.

A Dominant realizes past mistakes and seeks not to repeat them. A Dominant uses good judgement and changes behavior that is proven to have bad effects.

A Dominant does not allow submissives to manipulate them and destroy the structure of a household brick by brick.

A Dominant directs and does not put the burden of direction upon their submissive.

A Dominant knows what they want when they start a relationship with a submissive and guides accordingly with needed adjustments as they learn about their submissive.

A Dominant learns about their submissive.

A Dominant knows what they should do as a Dominant or seeks to learn so they do not damage those who are within their care.

A Dominant seeks to better themselves as well as their submissives.

~~~

It will tear me into pieces waiting for Dominance if it will not come. I accept what is and what isn’t.

I can be a friend and support those in the family who need taking care of.

I cannot be a submissive whose Dominant is M.I.A.

If change ever comes I welcome the possibility.

Until then I will close that side of me until it can be properly tended to.

Moving on

(Yes, this is something of a letter and in a way it is not.)

From the moment I knew, that was the mode I slipped into.

Moving on.

It doesn’t mean that I do not feel. It doesn’t mean I do not hurt.

I know you heard it in my voice. I couldn’t hide it from you, but I wasn’t going to fall apart on that call.

Nor at anytime with you about this.

No, I am not sitting here focusing on that which is done.

Moving on…

…means I have to find a way to deal with the pain and heal. It means crying, it means being upset. It means taking step by step until I am over it.

It means writing in my blog about how I feel.

I know you don’t want me to hurt over you. I know it makes you feel guilty. That it makes you hurt too. But in this you cannot help.

I think four days out, I’m not doing such a bad job.

Yes I am a woman.

And amazingly in spite of that, I do know how to move on.

Think back over this week and tell me differently.

Tell me I’ve made demands on you that you cannot fulfill. Tell me I’ve clung to the past (even if the past was but a blink ago). Tell me I’ve been unreasonable. Tell me I’ve fallen apart on you. Tell me I’ve asked you to choose me.

Tell me I didn’t try to stop the wrecking ball.

I’ve not uttered a word except to help and to wish you happiness and love.

And that’s all I want.

I am not waiting for something to happen that may never happen.

Amazingly sensible for a woman no? Being wired in such womanly ways. (Am I harping? You didn’t think I’d catch that comment?)

Remember who was the D and who was the s my love.

Yes, I’m a little tender and sensitive inside. Nothing can be done about it. Time has to pass.

Do not worry after me. I cannot promise you that I will not shed tears over this.

But have I shown you much beyond a smile this week?

I will be ok.

Twisty twisting twisted

I don’t even know how it came up. Just that it knocked me for six and opened a floodgate I’ve decided to keep closed for just when I am with her.

Just conversation. To talk to her because I want to. Because I like to.

I will be a friend. And somehow it makes me feel better knowing I am helping somehow in possible happiness. Do I have to be the source of it? No.

I will train my mind on the concept that I would have been wrong for her regardless of if it’s actually true.

I can be insane at any other time but not when I’m with her and not about this.

Maybe I am making too big a deal of this.

Three weeks right? Too soon to be in love with someone.

Two months may be too soon to be in love with someone too for all I know. (Two months tomorrow I would have joined the Family). Another issue all it’s own.

But I don’t care. I am going to be and do what I feel for once. Sue me.

~~~

Maybe she wants me to dislike her. To be angry with her.

Maybe even to imagine that she is cruel. Dangling the possibility in front of me like that. The idea that she’s not sure that she made the right choice.

Why even talk about it? It hurts. Just leave it.

Planting such a thought.

Perhaps it is exciting knowing that she is desired like this.

Knowing I dislike people who toy with the emotions of others.

Telling me not to let her hurt me, because perhaps she is only being selfish.

And then what?

Cut things off and vanish from her life.

I wonder if that is what she wants. Would it make her happy never to hear from me again?

~~~

This is not a game.

There is nothing funny about what I feel, that the thing that I want can be so casually spoken of as if it doesn’t hurt.

What is, is. What isn’t, isn’t.

My emotions are not bouncy balls to be played with.

I’m not an amusement. Tread carefully.

~~~

Do I regret anything?

No.

I only wish I had let myself take at least one more week of caution. Just one more… and maybe the thing I thought might happen, wouldn’t have had such an impact on me when it did.

~~~

(And if you are reading this, you should be ashamed that you cannot do just this one last thing that I’ve asked you to do for me.)

Now…

what can I say of my feelings.

For the last three weeks, they’ve bounced around. Side to side, up and down, all around. Anger. Hurt. Fear. Yearning. Loneliness. Sadness. Mostly, they were down feelings.

And I did not write of it. I could not find it in me to express what I felt.

~~~

There was one port in the storm.

But she was so much more than that.

Not a replacement for anyone.

Bright feelings. Lusty. Funny. Carefree. Loving. Soft. Warm. Comfort.

There was an instant where I felt just fine. These past few days. Just fine.

Reassured finally by Daddy and no longer feeling down.

Everything seemed like it would be ok.

Nothing to be sad about.

New things to be happy about in fact.

~~~

Then that ended.

~~~

And still I cry. Whenever my eyes decide they want to leak.

In my head I always think I should have better control. Not seem weak.

Funny thing for a girl in this society to think, I suppose, yet I do.

And now I’m tired of hiding or putting up a pretense of being all right.

Tired of “holding it together.”

I’m not.

Not all right.

Not going to pretend to be.

Don’t know when I’ll be all right either.

If that’s tough for some to be around, they can suck it.

~~~

There is one thing that may to make me feel better.

Ironic as it is, I will do it until I’m told to stop.

Budding Sakura

Now there are small buds on the cherry blossom tree which lay barren for quite some time. Will they bloom? I do not know yet.

~~~

There was a lovely birthday party for my offline boyfriend on SL today, thrown by Daddy and the family. It made me feel really good and my BF had a wonderful time too. The fact that something that matters so incredibly much to me was focused on by him and all the family made me feel as though I really did matter to Daddy, all of me including those I love.

~~~

The week in review…

I started to write several times and created drafts for topics I wanted to write about. But every day this week, I was with the family and there was some new development for me within the family. I didn’t have the time to concentrate to write.

I also wrote a full post just before the last weekend but disliked it so never posted it. After I finish writing this, I will go through these and erase a bunch for good and see what I may continue to write at another time.

~~~

I was welcomed into the family on November 12th. As time went along, we passed a few bumps and then I began to feel comfortable. Even during the bumps I knew I cared for Daddy. After the bumps that did not change. I grew to know others within the family more deeply. I shared my thoughts and feelings within the family classes/discussions and outside. I grew a little closer and a little more closer.

~~~

At the start of the weekend, in a conversation with Mousie, Emi and Daddy, I was confronted in a manner of speaking about my actions and my feelings. Daddy and Mousie felt that my actions showed I cared for the family and was dedicated to it. They said that I had the opportunity to be elsewhere and had taken that opportunity less and less and stayed close to the family. Yet it seemed I held back my feelings, afraid. Afraid to love what I loved, fully. Afraid even to admit to myself that I loved. Wholeheartedly.

A previous question came to mind from the weekend. Was I afraid to fall in love with Daddy?

This conversation made me uncomfortable. I felt a spotlight was shone on something I didn’t want lit up.

I wanted to be able to follow what felt right but yet… not fall completely into that feeling. If I fell, how would I stand again should it vanish.

I attempted perhaps in a way to partition my mind.

To partition myself.

For my left hand not to know what my right hand was doing.

Daddy felt the disconnect and wanted me to connect it. Use my wholeheart. He felt doing anything less could jeopardize the chances a new relationship, a new Dominant who loved me (Daddy), would have at giving me the things I needed.

I froze that night but we talked more of it the next day.

I decided to acknowledge that I was falling in love, to acknowledge that I wanted to be his as well as part of the family and to start to trust first and not fear first as I had been doing.

It was a tearful conversation.

I am very self-conscious that I cry easily and that I am a very sensitive person. I try to hide it and protect myself because who else would if not me?

As soon as I made this decision, it felt as though something had burst loose inside of me.

Daddy was on my mind for the entire day. That alone scared me. But I couldn’t back off of what I promised I would do. He said he would always be there for me and would wait for me… yet I would not hurt him as I have been hurt waiting for others I loved.

Arriving at work in First Life, it turned out there was a myriad of tech issues and I couldnt’t get online to talk to the family. To talk to Daddy.

So I texted him.

I tried to get ahold of myself to be honest. The concept that Daddy would be home when I got there crossed my mind but I couldn’t make it stay. I needed to talk to him now.

It was a big deal to do this.

And so the day went along and I was excited to go home.

Whatever had burst inside was causing a flood that swelled and swelled.

When I got in, I was in a bright mood. But that slowly changed as the night went on.

I had all these questions and feelings and thoughts built that I needed to share but I couldn’t. Others needed Daddy too. I had decided to reconcile the parts of me into a whole that cared and would move forward within this relationship with eyes open and nothing held back. But this left me awash with stuff. Overwhelmed. I needed him.

But fears of being thought as any of the “bad ones” that had been gotten rid of filled me. I couldn’t say “Daddy I need you.” I tried in a way to express what I felt but I don’t think I was clear enough for Daddy to understand how urgent this felt until by the end of the night I was in tears and felt miserable and didn’t know what to do.

He seemed to sense something was up with me and we talked. Then later I talked to Mousie. By both I was reassured that they didn’t think I was like any of those in the past and that I needed to speak when I had needs or issues.

I hope I will be able to in the future. I will try. It is not the easiest.

Afterwards I felt rather at peace with the family. The next day, I stayed home and something of a transformation occurred with my avatar. That which is me on Second Life. I became something more of what I wished to be and perhaps something more of who I really am, what I used to be and lost. The thorns and briar and roses were removed and replaced with teddy bears. “I am loved.” And “Daddy’s Lil Girl.” My AO was replaced with something more of how I would actually act when in such a situation that makes me feel shy and careful.

I also did something in my First Life that I had not been able to do. I do not know if there is a connection.

Then Friday came and I was given my name. Sakura. Daddy’s Sakura. Cherry blossom because I am his dark chocolate cherry.

I had no intention at the start that my name should ever be changed. I am me and I have managed to maintain most of that even through rips and shatters and splinters.

But in his arms, in his mind and heart, I begin to open for him as he wishes for me to. In my mind and heart, I wish to give him things, give of myself to him.

It is a yearning that I am becoming helpless to fight against. I am held by the promise that I will trust and believe in him and his word of what he will be for me. That he will be there. My Daddy. And so it happens and it must because I am not allowed to stop it or peddle back. Show truth, show my wholeheart. It is not easy at times, and at other times it is all too easy. It scares me even as it feels good. That is the truth.

I am marked in some ways already by him. These marks are there in pixels but also in my mind and my heart. I belong to him offline as well as online. First Life and Second Life.

This has been a wonderful week. Peaceful for most of it and then these warm feelings when I am with my Daddy.

.

.

.

I worry of needing him too much. But I already need him and want him. I want to be his baby girl. I want to be his. But I am worried that it may be too much… somehow… and that still I shouldn’t indulge completely in the need for his arms around me, affection, notice, the comfort of his voice when I need it.

And that is the week in review.

Compassion, Understanding, And What Turns You On

Today was my first time attending and participating in the weekly family meeting. Announcements were made and concerns discussed then we went on to speak about deeper matters that touch us as submissives. The whys and the needs behind why we are what we are. However, what struck is that is that the Dominants were also asked the whys and the needs behind what they are. I think because of this, a level of understanding going both ways was felt within the family.

I felt a warmth being with my fellow submissives and with my Master. A sense that we were all able to see each other (think ‘I see you’ in Avatar) and comprehend some of the things that drive us and make us tick.

I felt a genuine comfort being there during that meeting.

I also felt that perhaps I was seen differently by my Master. Or perhaps that an aspect of myself came under a more direct light. All this, because of my answers to the questions.

And now Sir is no longer Sir alone. He is Daddy. And I am his baby girl. I have many feelings about this. Some happy. Some scared. Some tearful.

He offered and I took. It is something that I want… it is something I need… yet two weeks in… there is much in my mind and heart that I don’t feel ready to place here.

~~~

As in any family of a certain size, there were some skirmishes and flare ups.

Today was no exception.

~~~

The skirmishes were centered on a title. A term. A five lettered word. Slave.

What is the main thing that I have taken from this and wish to express?

~~~

I get turned on or turned on more when someone whispers in my ear “such a good little girl.” In another instance, scene, what have you, I get turned on when someone whispers in my ear “Such a good little whore.” Different reasons, but with similar results I’m sure. But both with me in a submissive position.

Others don’t have the same reaction. Others don’t like the word.

That is fine and I do not take offense. In fact, if my lover hates it, I would never say it to him or her or expect them to say it to me. It doesn’t turn their key and I understand.

On the other side, there are words that don’t do it for me at best, and repulse me utterly at worse. But I know those words connect with others in a positive way. It turns their key.

For this too, I understand. I do not think less of those who have different keys than I do.

But I am the sort who would use the keys that I found with my lover to manipulate them in whatever way they wished me to manipulate them.

~~~

Is the fact that I dislike the term slave and don’t want it attributed to me, a statement of my view of your worth because you do like the word and want it attributed to you?

No.

It is stating my personal preference, which is about me, the same as your personal preference is about you. Stating my personal preference is not stating something about you. It’s stating something about me.

I don’t have to see your words in a positive light to understand why it turns your key. I don’t need to see your words in a positive light to respect you as another submissive. And I don’t need to see your words in a positive light to expect you to respect my wish not to be called them.

~~~

I respect. I offer compassion and understanding. Simply. And I wish the same in return.

Our kinks may be different. What holds value for us in BDSM may be different, yet that is the realm we exist in. We should be the last people to offer disdain, disbelief or ridicule to another kinky person because someone doesn’t like the same word we do but cums buckets over a word we despise.

~Love and Light~

I’m going to post the images in the sequence that came to my mind

Series of images coming up, many reblogged from http://aspeciallittleprincess.tumblr.com/

She’s on a roll tonight *giggles*