Ephemera * Etherea

Fallen Angels BDSM Club on Second Life

I asked that a serious question be answered first. Was this rule about Switches, that had been put in place over a year ago, going to be changed back to how it was before, with both Dominant and submissive discussions being open to Switches and of course Switch discussions being open to all.

The response I received was that it would be left to the individual bias and prejudice of each discussion facilitator and should a facilitator decide to block Switches from attending, they may ask for verification of what someone identified as (“papers papers, where are your BDSM papers!?”) or decide to boot based on rumor.

A cop out so that management would not have to make a firm decision, make a statement about Fallen values, and actually lead. All in the name of making “most” feel comfortable. Somehow this seemed justified. Hey it doesn’t affect the majority so what do they care, right?

I resigned.

~~~

After recounting my tale, I was told by a friend that there are no rights on Second Life.

I laughed because I suppose they are right.

If the the Voting Rights Act and Civil Rights Act had been left up to some in Second Life, I’m inclined to believe after today that women wouldn’t have the vote and we’d still have segregation in the U.S.

After all, once the majority feels comfortable, everything is justified. That was the bill of goods someone attempted to sell me today. Thank the Goddess that the U.S. doesn’t rely on popular vote for such things.

~~~

I returned to Fallen Angels BDSM Club in Second Life in June of this year (2012). I worked there previously for about 10 months and left in May of 2011.

I returned because I was told by one of the previous owners, someone I respect, that things were changing and the old Fallen was being brought back. She was already back. I was amazed and ecstatic. She told me to come and I bounced right over.

I hadn’t stepped foot in the place for 14 months.

I left, others left, and then the club proceeded to spiral into a junior high state of cliques and ranks. All I ever heard about Fallen from friends was bad news for more than a year after I quit.

I am a cautious person by nature. I’ve let passions get the better of me in SL and made a firm decision that this time around, I would have clear perspective. Second Life is but one aspect of reality and not the most important aspect by far.

~~~

I was re-instated to all my former duties and roles and took up the regular Saturday munches. I was asked to lead other discussions that align with my interests and who I am. Daddy and babygirl discussion groups. Polyamory discussion groups.

I declined because I wanted to get my bearings and see which way was up at Fallen now. Was the place really changing for the better again? I also didn’t want to burn out as I had before. I kept my distance as the last gasps of drama from those who had brought Fallen low were sounded.

Some were asked to leave and some left of their own volition. With a slew of unnecessary dramatic flourishes in the staff group and main group.

The facilitator for the Switch discussion group became vacant though I don’t know if that was related to the nonsense above. No details were given to me. But I was asked if I would step in.

This goes back to the reason I left Fallen to begin with.

~~~

May 2011

The majority decided that Switches, a group of people who identify as both Dominant and submissive, would be blocked from attending either Dominant or submissive discussion groups. The reason was “safety”.

Apparently Switches inherently have a flaw in character which threatens the safety of those who aren’t Switches.

I was disgusted by this and as usual, those who this little rule did not affect had no problem with it.

It was ironic because previously there was such a outcry against having a TNG group (The Next Generation, aimed at 18-35 demographic in the bdsm community) within Fallen because older members felt their sense of entitlement disturbed. How dare someone try to exclude them from something? It’s always a travesty when it’s “you” and a shame when it’s “them”.

~~~

June 2012 - July 2012

Nothing has changed.

~~~

I am happy that I have some knowledge of how BDSM groups and clubs work in First Life. They are inclusive and seek to educate and they flourish because of that. There is a keen understanding of what being a Dominant, Submissive and Switch means. This sensitivity leads to the needs of the entire group being addressed without a stigma being placed on anyone. And safety is always uncompromisingly maintained.

The age of Fallen Angels BDSM Club being the gold standard on Second Life and the closest thing people will get to a First Life BDSM club in a virtual world is done.

I’ve cut all ties to Fallen. It was one step on a journey and I have better things to do than deal with the same old nonsense all over again. I’ll keep to being centered on what BDSM actually is and let others continue to play make-believe at being  BDSM leadership.

Budding Sakura

Now there are small buds on the cherry blossom tree which lay barren for quite some time. Will they bloom? I do not know yet.

~~~

There was a lovely birthday party for my offline boyfriend on SL today, thrown by Daddy and the family. It made me feel really good and my BF had a wonderful time too. The fact that something that matters so incredibly much to me was focused on by him and all the family made me feel as though I really did matter to Daddy, all of me including those I love.

~~~

The week in review…

I started to write several times and created drafts for topics I wanted to write about. But every day this week, I was with the family and there was some new development for me within the family. I didn’t have the time to concentrate to write.

I also wrote a full post just before the last weekend but disliked it so never posted it. After I finish writing this, I will go through these and erase a bunch for good and see what I may continue to write at another time.

~~~

I was welcomed into the family on November 12th. As time went along, we passed a few bumps and then I began to feel comfortable. Even during the bumps I knew I cared for Daddy. After the bumps that did not change. I grew to know others within the family more deeply. I shared my thoughts and feelings within the family classes/discussions and outside. I grew a little closer and a little more closer.

~~~

At the start of the weekend, in a conversation with Mousie, Emi and Daddy, I was confronted in a manner of speaking about my actions and my feelings. Daddy and Mousie felt that my actions showed I cared for the family and was dedicated to it. They said that I had the opportunity to be elsewhere and had taken that opportunity less and less and stayed close to the family. Yet it seemed I held back my feelings, afraid. Afraid to love what I loved, fully. Afraid even to admit to myself that I loved. Wholeheartedly.

A previous question came to mind from the weekend. Was I afraid to fall in love with Daddy?

This conversation made me uncomfortable. I felt a spotlight was shone on something I didn’t want lit up.

I wanted to be able to follow what felt right but yet… not fall completely into that feeling. If I fell, how would I stand again should it vanish.

I attempted perhaps in a way to partition my mind.

To partition myself.

For my left hand not to know what my right hand was doing.

Daddy felt the disconnect and wanted me to connect it. Use my wholeheart. He felt doing anything less could jeopardize the chances a new relationship, a new Dominant who loved me (Daddy), would have at giving me the things I needed.

I froze that night but we talked more of it the next day.

I decided to acknowledge that I was falling in love, to acknowledge that I wanted to be his as well as part of the family and to start to trust first and not fear first as I had been doing.

It was a tearful conversation.

I am very self-conscious that I cry easily and that I am a very sensitive person. I try to hide it and protect myself because who else would if not me?

As soon as I made this decision, it felt as though something had burst loose inside of me.

Daddy was on my mind for the entire day. That alone scared me. But I couldn’t back off of what I promised I would do. He said he would always be there for me and would wait for me… yet I would not hurt him as I have been hurt waiting for others I loved.

Arriving at work in First Life, it turned out there was a myriad of tech issues and I couldnt’t get online to talk to the family. To talk to Daddy.

So I texted him.

I tried to get ahold of myself to be honest. The concept that Daddy would be home when I got there crossed my mind but I couldn’t make it stay. I needed to talk to him now.

It was a big deal to do this.

And so the day went along and I was excited to go home.

Whatever had burst inside was causing a flood that swelled and swelled.

When I got in, I was in a bright mood. But that slowly changed as the night went on.

I had all these questions and feelings and thoughts built that I needed to share but I couldn’t. Others needed Daddy too. I had decided to reconcile the parts of me into a whole that cared and would move forward within this relationship with eyes open and nothing held back. But this left me awash with stuff. Overwhelmed. I needed him.

But fears of being thought as any of the “bad ones” that had been gotten rid of filled me. I couldn’t say “Daddy I need you.” I tried in a way to express what I felt but I don’t think I was clear enough for Daddy to understand how urgent this felt until by the end of the night I was in tears and felt miserable and didn’t know what to do.

He seemed to sense something was up with me and we talked. Then later I talked to Mousie. By both I was reassured that they didn’t think I was like any of those in the past and that I needed to speak when I had needs or issues.

I hope I will be able to in the future. I will try. It is not the easiest.

Afterwards I felt rather at peace with the family. The next day, I stayed home and something of a transformation occurred with my avatar. That which is me on Second Life. I became something more of what I wished to be and perhaps something more of who I really am, what I used to be and lost. The thorns and briar and roses were removed and replaced with teddy bears. “I am loved.” And “Daddy’s Lil Girl.” My AO was replaced with something more of how I would actually act when in such a situation that makes me feel shy and careful.

I also did something in my First Life that I had not been able to do. I do not know if there is a connection.

Then Friday came and I was given my name. Sakura. Daddy’s Sakura. Cherry blossom because I am his dark chocolate cherry.

I had no intention at the start that my name should ever be changed. I am me and I have managed to maintain most of that even through rips and shatters and splinters.

But in his arms, in his mind and heart, I begin to open for him as he wishes for me to. In my mind and heart, I wish to give him things, give of myself to him.

It is a yearning that I am becoming helpless to fight against. I am held by the promise that I will trust and believe in him and his word of what he will be for me. That he will be there. My Daddy. And so it happens and it must because I am not allowed to stop it or peddle back. Show truth, show my wholeheart. It is not easy at times, and at other times it is all too easy. It scares me even as it feels good. That is the truth.

I am marked in some ways already by him. These marks are there in pixels but also in my mind and my heart. I belong to him offline as well as online. First Life and Second Life.

This has been a wonderful week. Peaceful for most of it and then these warm feelings when I am with my Daddy.

.

.

.

I worry of needing him too much. But I already need him and want him. I want to be his baby girl. I want to be his. But I am worried that it may be too much… somehow… and that still I shouldn’t indulge completely in the need for his arms around me, affection, notice, the comfort of his voice when I need it.

And that is the week in review.

The beginning of the end…

Ok, well I don’t mean to make it sound so dire.

At work in First Life and it happened…

In the ladies room, I giggled remembering something that happened over the weekend with my family. My Daddy in particular. I hadn’t even logged into Skype yet to tell everyone I was at work.

It’s an involuntary thing. Your mind drifts from thought cloud to thought cloud, and that was where I landed.

I caught myself. And then I worried.

It’s a sign that at least I’m more emotionally involved than I expected to be… intended to be… something.

Remembering and feeling heartened by something…

Feels like the beginning of the end…

And if I’m falling… who is going to catch me…

*sighs*

Compassion, Understanding, And What Turns You On

Today was my first time attending and participating in the weekly family meeting. Announcements were made and concerns discussed then we went on to speak about deeper matters that touch us as submissives. The whys and the needs behind why we are what we are. However, what struck is that is that the Dominants were also asked the whys and the needs behind what they are. I think because of this, a level of understanding going both ways was felt within the family.

I felt a warmth being with my fellow submissives and with my Master. A sense that we were all able to see each other (think ‘I see you’ in Avatar) and comprehend some of the things that drive us and make us tick.

I felt a genuine comfort being there during that meeting.

I also felt that perhaps I was seen differently by my Master. Or perhaps that an aspect of myself came under a more direct light. All this, because of my answers to the questions.

And now Sir is no longer Sir alone. He is Daddy. And I am his baby girl. I have many feelings about this. Some happy. Some scared. Some tearful.

He offered and I took. It is something that I want… it is something I need… yet two weeks in… there is much in my mind and heart that I don’t feel ready to place here.

~~~

As in any family of a certain size, there were some skirmishes and flare ups.

Today was no exception.

~~~

The skirmishes were centered on a title. A term. A five lettered word. Slave.

What is the main thing that I have taken from this and wish to express?

~~~

I get turned on or turned on more when someone whispers in my ear “such a good little girl.” In another instance, scene, what have you, I get turned on when someone whispers in my ear “Such a good little whore.” Different reasons, but with similar results I’m sure. But both with me in a submissive position.

Others don’t have the same reaction. Others don’t like the word.

That is fine and I do not take offense. In fact, if my lover hates it, I would never say it to him or her or expect them to say it to me. It doesn’t turn their key and I understand.

On the other side, there are words that don’t do it for me at best, and repulse me utterly at worse. But I know those words connect with others in a positive way. It turns their key.

For this too, I understand. I do not think less of those who have different keys than I do.

But I am the sort who would use the keys that I found with my lover to manipulate them in whatever way they wished me to manipulate them.

~~~

Is the fact that I dislike the term slave and don’t want it attributed to me, a statement of my view of your worth because you do like the word and want it attributed to you?

No.

It is stating my personal preference, which is about me, the same as your personal preference is about you. Stating my personal preference is not stating something about you. It’s stating something about me.

I don’t have to see your words in a positive light to understand why it turns your key. I don’t need to see your words in a positive light to respect you as another submissive. And I don’t need to see your words in a positive light to expect you to respect my wish not to be called them.

~~~

I respect. I offer compassion and understanding. Simply. And I wish the same in return.

Our kinks may be different. What holds value for us in BDSM may be different, yet that is the realm we exist in. We should be the last people to offer disdain, disbelief or ridicule to another kinky person because someone doesn’t like the same word we do but cums buckets over a word we despise.

~Love and Light~

Re: Puss in Boots & Relationships

I got a few reblogs and comments on my previous blog post. No I don’t mind you snipping off the top of the post and only reblogging the relationship part ProudPoly. *grins* I’m glad it connected for some of you, gave a bit of hope for others and intrigued those who had never heard of such a family. In a way it encourages me to write more.

~Ebony

Puss In Boots & Relationships

I went to see Puss In Boots tonight. It was great :-) It was not freezing cold out like it was on Wednesday. In fact, there was almost a breezy summer night feel to it. The sky was completely clear and you could see stars. One thing I will miss if we leave here. It was a calming night that was needed.

~~~

I am not sure if anyone in my new found family will read my entries here but I will write something that pertains to what was discussed when I was on Second Life earlier today. I said a little of it there but I will write more here.

~~~

This is my perspective.

In a poly family (let alone a poly bdsm family), there exist many relationships.

In the case of a poly and bdsm family I see the following:

Master and submissive.

Master and family.

Submissive and submissive.

Submissive and family.

Submissive and other lovers who may not be within the family.

There is also the relationship a submissive has with herself. Self-esteem, personal care, etc.

I feel that each of these are equally crucial. One shouldn’t supersede the other. They should all exist symbiotically. At any given time any submissive may feel they need to work on one of these relationships more than the other. A way of maintaining their own unique balance. What one submissive needs another may not.

~~~

Even in a family there are individual relationships, and things that are kept sacred within those individual relationships whether they are submissive and submissive or Master and his submissive. There are boundaries.

There are things shared between a Master and his submissive that should not be the domain of another submissive to peruse and know at will.

~~~

While I build confidence and trust in the new relationships I find in my new family, I realize that on the flip side, the family as a whole and as individuals must build confidence and trust in having me as a new member.

I can only say that I would not do anything to hurt or break the family. I would leave before that happened. Last person in, first person out, as hideous as that may sound. I have not said this to be a martyr or to gain pity. It simply is. I’ve curbed idealism to a certain extent.

I understand that you may have insecurities. But I ask that you understand that because you do not know every detail of another’s relationship with Sir does not mean that there exists some threat to your relationship with him. A family is full of unique relationships. If Sir and I share a love of peanut butter, it doesn’t lessen yours and his shared love of jelly.

I’m a new addition and that means the family re-balances for that… but I hope you will trust that your bonds are strong

and have faith that I’m not a goblin or something lol.

Updates in the land of Second Life

So I’m in at work now, First Life, getting some serious things done.

And number one on that list is updates on my Second Life world.

My priorities are spot on. :-)

A recap is in order. When I’m upset, I don’t necessarily give all the details or even post here. So I’m all cool and calm today. Why not? Time for updates.

So boom boom boom, here we go.

• May: Got together with an acquaintance and became more than just acquaintances. It was lovely to be with him. And calming. His actions and some points of view reminded me horribly of the only person I’ve ever been partnered to seriously on SL. As I fell for him, and I was falling even as I tried to stop, I needed more and more assurance that things would be different with him. I was scared and I couldn’t shake it in a short period of time. Couldn’t just let go as I had with my ex. Something was done by him that hurt me and made that tenuous trust vanish for a moment. I pushed him away so hard, I’m sure he got whiplash. I came back later and apologized if I hurt him, explained my actions and asked that we might try again. His response was that he wanted us to be “really good friends.” My response was that I did not. And that is where we stand. Neither one of us will be what the other wants I suppose. And my response is increasingly not a pleasant one when he tries to be chit-chatty and ‘friendly.’ I won’t deny my feelings and I won’t push it on him, but I will no more allow him to push what he would like our relationship to be upon me either.

• June: I bought my own parcel of land and canceled my useless Second Life premium membership. I love my home. It’s beautiful even before I started adding things and carving it into the image I want. This is my home base now. A retreat and sanctuary when things get rough elsewhere in SL.

• June: I quit Fallen Angels BDSM Club. After 9-10 months of being there. Why? A staff meeting in which it was unanimously agreed to either by silence or vocal agreement, that Switches would be blocked from attending Dominant Discussion groups and Submissive Discussion groups. For the safety of other patrons who were not Switches. I cannot work in a place that professes to be a safe environment for learning and sharing as BDSM practitioners and newbies, yet such a heinous prejudice is allowed to exist there. The disconnect from reality and how people legitimately practice BDSM offline have become so large at Fallen that I couldn’t vouch for the safety of anyone going there and learning anything at this point. The decline has deeply saddened me but all things have an ending. Time for change.

• June/July: I decided to put myself out there and add the groups that match certain kinks, fetishes, proclivities of mine. I also added a bunch of new BDSM clubs to visit and have fun at. Met some weirdos and met some nice people lol. I met one guy who said he was a Daddy Dom. And he did make me feel like a precious little girl in the short bits of time we did spend together.  He wanted to move with lightning speed, wanting offline information and asked to partner within days of knowing each other, speaking of coming to see me. I of course I slowed things down. Later, it became apparent he didn’t know how to divide his time between his SL alts in order to have a stable relationship going days without communicating with me. And as with others on SL, it was largely about him being in love with me a.k.a. getting hard and cumming. So easily remedied. I took him off my home’s security and de-friended both alts. Done. I have very little patience for nonsense. Learned too many lessons before. Given enough time, fake people are not able to hold up their pretense. And this guy is sooooo fake. Two week fling done. Hope other little girls don’t fall for it. But then hey I’m still in the group and can forewarn when I like.

• June - July: I started exploring and  roleplaying Gor. One day while wondering through the Gor Hub with a newcomer to SL (but a veteran to Gor RP) I was IMed but a blond Viking like male who was looking for a “bondmaid.” I had no clue what that was but the more we talked the more I felt somewhat drawn to him. He gave me a notecard to read. We friended but due to me not getting back to him within a few days of meeting, he defriended. Oh well. Proof that it wasn’t worth it.

• Because of the lover I had in May (see above) my somewhat dormant interest in Torvaldsland and Gor was fired up intensely. I had a thought we might enter that realm together on occasion. The drive to please him had been great in so many ways. So now I am a bondmaid in training at Ironhall in Tor’Mark Fell. And it’s fun! I still have to read Marauders of Gor and Explorers of Gor to get a better feel of the land this roleplay emulates, as well as fully flesh out my character’s background story. So far I’ve set a task for myself of filling the Bakery’s ingredient stores and roping in other new bondmaids so we can learn and explore together. The entire region uses NLS, Nutri Life System, which is kick ass and adds realism and an extra bit to roleplay around. Out of milk and sa tarna? Then let’s go out and collect some for the Bakery and see what happens along the way. Anyhoo, ramble ramble, I am enjoying myself there.

• July: I found out that a dear friend of mine had an affair with another dear friend of mine. The Dominant of one of these friends, another friend, was also completely unaware. It all came to a head recently, exposed. One of these dear friends has proven himself to be a heel to the degree of infinity. I am so deeply disappointed in him. He defriended me and left my group. And I have left his groups. Chapter closed there. I am sending positive vibes and hoping deeply that my other dear friend and her Dominant will work things out and be together and happy.

And the SL drama wheel goes round and round.

At the moment, I am single in SL and exploring my own interests. I am not beholden to anyone but myself at this moment. My two ponies have not been online in quite some time as well.

Will love ever come? That Dominant that I need?

I do not know. But I’m not hunting it.

I will simply live and explore.

My heart is free.